How To Alight From A Matatu

If you live in Nairobi, then you know that matatus are the most important mode of transport. However, they are not the best form since matatus are unregulated and undisciplined. Matatus are always in a rush, breaking traffic laws and increasing fares whenever it rains. Therefore, it takes courage to travel in matatus and especially if you are a lady. Many times, getting into or alighting from matatus requires extensive acrobatic skills so as to avoid injury. Precise calculation is required for this simple feat. Since most matatus are still in motion although passengers are disembarking, it is important for ladies to know how to alight from moving matatus.

Firstly, early in the morning after getting dressed, take stock of your life. A simple fall could cost you your life. Matatus are notorious for going beyond your stage; they may suffer from an undiagnosed form of recurring temporary deafness. In order to stop them, your skills must include the ability to shout at the top of your voice, whistle like village herder and cause a commotion in matatus. Practice vocal exercise to enlarge your lung capacity in order to shout above 3,000 watt sound systems in matatus. Additionally, shouting the right words is critical. We recommend words like “driver, stop!”, “stop this matatu!” and a continuous “wewee, weweee!” (Secret research shows that when you shout “bed bugs!”, it will cause instant commotion and empty a packed matatu.) Feel free to create your own original phrases. Banging on the door with your open palm is a technique borrowed from matatu conductors, and it is an additional technique to employ. However, this technique can cause hardened palms. Therefore, dermatologists recommend oiling your palms with Vaseline twice a day to maintain petal softness.

Secondly, try to leave home early to avoid competing matatus. In case you leave during the rush hour, check your shoes by jumping up and down to test whether they are genuine or cheap Chinese knock offs. A broken heel will cause you to walk like you have one foot in the gutter. When you get to the matatu stage, frantically wave your hands, jumping up and down at an oncoming matatu. (The rush hour is not the time to stretch out your beautifully manicured hand). Matatus are rough beasts! A word of caution; do not assume that there is a red carpet laid out for you to catwalk into the beast. Instead dig your left heel into the ground, then stretch your left hand out (imagine the matatu as a flying sausage), lean slightly to your left and lift right leg slowly timing the matatus arrival. Grab the hand rail at the door and jump into the matatu with your right leg first. Once safely inside, take a deep breath and thank God for His mercy. Please take a seat and remember, always smile.

Thirdly, after enduring the rough ride to your destination, it is important to begin planning the disembarking process. While the matatu is one kilometer to your destination, get up and calmly walk to the door of the matatu. Remember the vocal exercises, choice words and banging the door? Keep them circulating in your forehead. At any time, the conductor – depending on how low his trousers are sagging - may announce that Pangani, Ngara and Moi Avenue stages ‘ni moja’. Also, ladies, please ignore the flirty remarks from the conductor.  Do not smile. As the matatu begins to slow down, make sure you are the first at the door. Hold the door with your right hand. Dig your right heel into the matatu floor, lean slightly to your left and lift your left leg slowly. If in your judgement the matatu has slowed down to a safe speed, jump out with your left leg first and start jogging as soon as it hits the ground. While jogging, check both your left and right sides to make sure that you are not running in the middle of the road. Once on the pavement, straighten your clothes and prim your hair – this whole process has been proven to rotate weaves. Remember, please smile. (At least you did not have to somersault today.)

The ordinary Nairobian lady has been refined by matatu transport to be a gladiator. She needs combat skills to get to work, school and church. Vocal abilities, whistling skills and gymnastic abilities help in ensuring a good start to a great day. These skills also enhance her attractiveness. By now, you already know the golden rule; please smile. (You still have to go back home in the evening.)